Now I start hyperventilating at the thought of not having Brannon on the other side of my phone when I call. I asked him tonight as he was pounding in decking in my attic what I would do if he died. Tomorrow. What would I do? What would I do with the truck? Would I keep it? I can't afford it by myself. What about the motorcycle? Do I sell it? But then, how do I sell your motorcycle? I would want to keep it. I would sit in the garage when it's 14 degrees out, in my pjs, and sit on the bike for hours, drinking until I'm about to pass out and sobbing uncontrollably. I would be sitting in my pjs in 14 degree weather in the middle of winter because I wouldn't know any better. I would be out of my head with grief. I would be so numb I wouldn't even feel the cold. And what cold I did feel would be covered up with constant intoxication. Those are the feeling that are stirred up inside of me JUST THINKING about losing him. If it really happened, I can only imagine...

...One would wonder, with such a wonderful relationship and such a bright future ahead of me, why I would be thinking of such doom and gloom? I have gotten a taste of how good, really really good, great, life can be, and to have anything less...how? How would I go back to the way things used to be? Being alone. I was married, but I was alone. And being alone in a relationship is so much worse than just being alone period. But I am never really alone. I have God. I have my kids. I have my parents. I have my church family. And for today, and many days I hope, I have Brannon. I love that man so much, the thought of him gives me shivers. He is such a gift to me. In a couple of weeks we will celebrate our 1 year anniversary. It's hard to believe that we have been together an entire year already. I've had a lifetime of experiences in the past year and I am grateful for every one of them. I've learned alot about myself. I had no idea I had such a capacity for love.

Hey, sorry for all the sap baby. Don't puke in your Cheerios ok? I just love you.