Mom told me that Bob was playing downtown yesterday. So after I got Lauren in bed and ASLEEP, and after I made sure that Patty checked on her once or twice, I went downtown for an hour to hear Bob play. I always love hearing him play. I got down there and Bob and the band had just started taking a break. Bob wasn't expecting me, I never told my mom I was going to go. He came and bought me a drink, and told me to join his co-workers, which...I did. And then...my sister walked in with her new boyfriend. She was like, what the hell are you doing here? And I said to her, well, what the hell are YOU doing here? Did you know Bob was playing here tonight? She goes, no, I came down here with Buddy (the new boyfriend, real name Forest, but they call him buddy. Don't ask, I have no idea) to meet his mom and play pool. So, we stayed inside for a few and listened to Bob play. Then Kerrie went outside with Buddy for awhile and sent me a text message to come outside with her for awhile. Phones, you just gotta love them. So I grabbed my drink and went outside with her for a few. Then Bob and the band took a break after that set and came outside and talked with me for a few. It was a rather enjoyable evening. Although, I have been up WAY too late the last week. If I haven't been studying, I've been cleaning or just not sleeping in general. But, it turned out to be really fun, I met some new people, I hung out with my sister, I listened to good music. Perfect.

This morning I sang at church. It was a new song. I had a moment in church today. It was during the part of the service where we all shake hands with each other. And Larry came up to me (I don't think he knows about the divorce) asked me how Mike was doing, and to tell Mike that everyone missed him. That set something off in me. I don't know what. But I was back up in the choir after that singing with the choir, and I kept looking over in our pew (the pew I always sit in, the one for the past two years I would look at often to catch Mike's eye) and Mike wasn't there. Obviously he wasn't there. He's hasn't been there for several months now. It was all I could do to keep the tears from flowing. I looked at Angie, our choir director. I caught several people's eyes. I tried staring at the clock as not to start crying. I somehow made it through. Then it was time for me to sing my solo. It was a brand new song. I skipped a line. No one noticed, and if they did, they never said anything. It was all I could do to get through the song. I don't know what my problem is. I can be fine for days. I won't shed a tear, I won't even think about Mike. And then someone says something. And most of the time, it just rolls off my back. I nod my head and say, yep, I'll let him know. But today. I don't know. It could be that this Saturday will be our anniversary, and because the divorce isn't final, it still counts...kind of. After my song, instead of sitting and listening to the sermon like I SHOULD have, I went out to the van and just let the tears come. I started to get mad at myself. Why was I upset? WHY?? What am I really missing? Do I miss Mike? Do I? I don't know. I don't know what my problem is, I don't understand anything anymore. And then I thought, you know, I feel how I feel. Surpressing the feelings and pretending they aren't there isn't going to make them go away. I think that being in denial about the whole thing just backfires. If a person never releases things, they stay bottled up. It's like poop. You have to let the poop out. If you don't, it becomes toxic, and then you become this huge toxic mess, and you smell, and you are sick, and sickly, and it's HAAAAARABLE (did you catch that, yes, you know who you are, it's HAAAAAAARABLE!!) So, let it out. I wasn't going to surpress my feelings. I wasn't going to be upset with myself. I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, admitting all the while that I was MAD and UPSET that I was feeling this way at all. What was I really missing? Constant disappointment? Broken promises? Yelling, name calling, character assination when my opinion was just that, my opinion. Was I upset that I wouldn't have anyone telling me they get up at 4 AM TO GO TO WORK, and that I have done NOTHING the past 7 years? That I am just this stupid lazy stay at home mom who has done, again, NOTHING over the past 7 years? That I'm a horrid person, I ruin people's lives, all his friends hate me and they are SO GLAD HE GOT RID OF THE LIKES OF ME? Maybe it's true. Maybe it's ALL TRUE, in his head, but it's not true in alot of people's heads. ANd it's not true in mine. It has taken me a long time to get to this place. And I'm sure over the next few months, even years, he'll tell all of this all over again as if it's fact. And he can live in his own version of the true.

But today I cried. Today I cried over Mike, and I missed him, and I missed his touch, and I missed his smile, and his kiss, and his embrace, and lots of wonderful qualities that Mike actually does have, when he's not so busy being bitter and angry. And I was mad at myself for it, but I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling none the less. And I'm still sad. And now I'm going to church, where everyone loves me, and I am wanted, and accepted, and where I KNOW I BELONG!!