I went to church last night. It was the first time I had been to a Wednesday evening service in a long time. I am SO glad I went. So many things happened in that hour that I was there. My very very dear Cathy who sings with me in the choir (even sits right next to me), she and I had a heart to heart. It lasted about 5 minutes. But she told me just 1 simple fact and it made everything so clear to me. I wish I could talk about that more, but I can't. It was about her, and she asked me to keep her secret. But I was so surprised, and I am so glad she told me. It really made me understand so much about her from the past 2 years. Isn't it amazing the clarity one can receive with one known fact? She took a huge leap of faith telling me, and she wanted to tell me, but she didn't want to tell me. I'm so glad she did.
The message last night was about love. And how love, as far as the Bible is concerned, is not the tingly warm fuzzy feelings we get after we share a first kiss with someone, or any of that. Yes, those are feelings, and feelings in that sense are very real, but Biblical love is about commitment. God doesn't care if we "feel" like loving our spouse, child, mother, father, brother, sister. You do it. We were talking about the verses Love the lord they God with all your heart mind and soul, and the second of these commandments is love thy neighbor as thyself. And it has completely slipped my mind the verse, and I didn't even repeat it verbatium. I could google search it, but most people know the verses I am speaking of. I swear every time I go to church God has given Brother Cody exactly the words that I need to hear. When I got home from church last night, the kids and I called Mike.
He was really down in the dumps it sounded last night. Of course, he would never admit that to me, but cmon, I have been married to the man for almost 7 years, I do know his moods. I didn't press it, the kids both talked to him, and then I got on the phone and told him that the kids and I were really ok. We were hanging in there, continuing to go to church and do the things we ought to. I told him I hadn't done very well on my last stats test (let's not talk about that right now, but I still have a B in the class, so I'm ok with that) but that even though I hit a rough patch, I was going to pass stats and I was going to continue on and earn that BSN if it kills me. He said, you will Tedi, you always do. And then you will probably meet some young rich doctor who wants to sweep you off your feet. I didn't do or say anything to provoke his comments, but I just said to him, you know Mike, you are loved. You are. The kids love you, I love you, and you are loved. I said, when it seems like the world is crumbling down around you, and nothing is going your way, you are loved. And at the end of the day, does anything else matter? It doesn't matter what car I drive, or what I am wearing, or if I had my quota of DP for the day (ok, this matters a LITTLE bit, hee hee) but are we loved. And he doesn't get it. He really doesn't get it. I don't think he knows that I would have done ANYTHING for him. I loved him that much.
I do love him that much. But last night, especially afte speaking with Brother Cody and him telling me you have to have a very healthy faith in God that God can change this in His time, in His will, and partner that with a healthy dose of reality. If Mike has hardened his heart so stone cold towards God, then God can't do the work in Mike's heart that needs to be done. And that is beyond my control. I can pray for Mike, and because I love the Lord and because Jesus interceeds for us to His Father, because I ask, the Lord will continue to work on Mike as long as I do ask. But again, if Mike's heart is so hardened...what do you do? Brother Cody said I need to make plans for the simple fact that as of today, Mike is gone. And I need to figure out a way to pay the bills. Faith and reality. And I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I did as much as I could have done. I maintained a positive attitude. I loved Mike. I tried so many times to just be his friend. But he didn't want that, or couldn't receive it somehow. So I can know that I really gave my all. I did.
Not sure where I was going with that. The song of the day. I just like the Backstreet Boys. I know I'll probably get shot for saying that, but I can deal with it. This song just gives me hope. I know there are people out there who will work hard at something they want other than a top score on a computer game. I feel full of new life. I am going to be ok, you just watch me.