In other news, Mike and I got into it last night. I am really trying here to be sweet, and kind, and CALM, and not let what he says get to me. I have to remember the source. He is angry, and bitter, and seems to think he has it all figured out. He is just SO convinced that I had this diabolical plan to finish my degree, and then divorce him. To move on to greener pastures. He thinks I'm in this marriage just for the money. Think about that. If we are in love, and we are happy, and we are raising our family, and all of that, why would I want to leave? That makes no sense. And if he was right about me just stringing him along to finish college, don't you think I would have just left him alone all the time? If I was in it for the money and to finish school, then why the hell did I spend all that time and effort going to counseling? Could it be because I wanted a MARRIAGE?? Gee, that's a novel concept. Maybe, just maybe, I wanted a marriage to HIM, because, I LOVED HIM. I mean hell, if I just wanted his paychecks, you would think it wouldn't bother me in the least if he came home, ate when he wanted to eat, sleep when he wanted to sleep, do what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it, why the hell would I care? I'm just here for the paycheck remember?

I told my very good friend the other that I felt like this entire time we have been married, I am this present. I am this beautifully wrapped gift. The paper on the outside is lovely, topped off with a gorgeous bow. But it's not even what is on the outside that matters, it's the inside. And you took that gift, all wrapped up pretty, and stuffed it in your pocket. And then for the next 6 years made assumptions about what was in that package. And then you would get angry about it. And yet the whole time, you never really knew. You never knew, because you NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO OPEN THE GIFT!!! It was so much easier to just not know, and then be angry about it. He would say that he knew EXACTLY what was in the package, and that I was so predictable it made him sick. Last time I checked, most people LIKED predictable. Most people LIKE to know how their spouse is going to react to something. But, no, not here, that was just another thing to piss him off. The way I see it, he has two emotions. Pissed off, and more pissed off. I think he is bitter, angry, resentful, and just plain sad. Did I make him that way? To hear him say it, it's all my fault. I was horrid to him. And in his mind, I probably was. But I know who I am inside, and alot people know what I wanted. I tried. I was willing to keep trying. It's of no consequence now.

I don't feel any better having gotten that off my chest. My mind is so full of stats right now, I think my head is going to pop. It could happen you know.

Todays song: MY GIVE A DAMN'S BUSTED!!