Seems just as one friendship is on the way out, another one is building. Nancy and I walked again yesterday. She is such a hoot and I am really enjoying getting to know her. Every time we talk she surprises me with something. She ended up bringing her kids to the house last night for a couple hours while she dealt with a family emergency. Nancy, I'm praying for you and your entire family. I'm always here when you need me. She got us a yoga dvd and a pilaties (sp?) dvd to start doing several times a week. Right now we are walking the track at our kids' elementary school because the weather is so nice. All this walking is gearing me back up to run. I feel it. I am very seriously considering going and buying myself some new running shoes and hitting the track myself on the days that Nancy is working. I'm not there yet, considering I did just have surgery. I might give myself another week, although the doctor did release me to resume my life. I am just about over the tired part. I haven't needed a nap in the past week, although sometimes I still do have to stop and rest.

So last night everything is going along fine. Nancy grabs her kids, I get mine to bed. Brannon and I are having a lovely conversation and I just stop talking. All of a sudden I have nothing to say and I get super quiet and I have no idea what my problem is. And I completely break down. I lose it ENTIRELY. I think my mind and body have been in crisis mode for so long. My body is healing from the surgery, I'm trying to find a new normal after the divorce. I am still adjusting to having roommates. I'm in a comfortable pattern with school. You know how it is in a crisis situation. The car wreck happens. There are injuries. The fire stations come. They get people out of the cars. The ambulances come and take everyone away. The tow trucks come and haul the cars off. You've done your part. Your body reacted to the situation, the proper help came, everything got cleaned up, and then there is the calm after the storm. That is where I am at right now in my life. All the drama is over. The surgery is over. I am healed. The divorce is over, I'm living my life. School is in full swing and I'm doing my part. Jody is settled and we are doing our thing. My kids are happy. My bedroom closet is clean. So is my fish tank. And in that calm, for the first time I think, I have allowed myself to admit the hurt. There have been MANY hurts that I have let build up. I have found out new hurts. I am dealing with old hurts. And I completely and utterly fell apart last night. I cried for a long time. I mourned my first marriage (today would have been our 14th wedding anniversary), I mourned my second marriage. I mourned old friendships. I felt like a failure. I felt like I managed to crap on everything good in my life. I felt like a horrible friend, wife, mother, sister, daughter, student. I am on a road to acceptance now. This is my new life. This is the way that things are. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. You acknowledge the hurt, deal with the hurt, let it go, and move on. You have to. I have to. If I don't, it will eat me alive. On a side note, I thought it would be hard to blow my nose with a nose piercing. It's not a problem in the least, thank goodness. And in other laughs, Nancy and I showed up yesterday to walk with matching pimples. Sad, but we laughed about it.

Brannon, thank you very much for being there last night. Thank you for understanding that I do not need a hero or a savior. Thank you for just being my friend. It means a lot.