Have I mentioned that I love Jody's cookware? All Clad and Calphalon is the way to go!! Love it! Tonight I tried Kate's cranberry chicken that she likes so much. It went over great in this house. Jody loved it. Brannon thought it was quite wonderful. I also, just for Brannon, made my first sweet potato pie. From scratch might I add. I rolled out the crust, cooked the sweet potatos, the whole smash. It was a little lumpier than I would have liked, and I neglected to take it off the stove (which was hot from baking the chicken for an hour and a half, so of course the pie didn't set properly) but the flavor wasn't horrible. Now I have tons of ideas.

But while I was in the kitchen this afternoon, I started to think about the mother in laws in my life. First there was Shirley. She and I got along great when we first met. She was never in good health, and I tried to be an advocate for her. She was a diabetic. I tried to do her favors like sugar free stuff and the like (she suffered a very serious heart attack 6 months after Robert and I got married, had a quad bypass where she suffered a stroke while on the operating table, that is how I came to do her grocery shopping for her). She never did appreciate that I was trying to help out. I have a tendency to over step my bounds. I get pushy where my loved ones are concerned. That is partly why in my life the Dr. Pepper needs to go, water needs to be added in abundance, and the running needs to happen often. I want to live a good long time. I have so much to live for. I have a career that I am very much looking forward to. Brannon melted my heart when he told me that I am doing the world a terrible diservce by not being a RN right now. The way he talks, St. John's is waiting for me, and so is half of the people of Springfield that are going to pass through those hospital doors at some point in their lives. Makes me want to hit the books that much harder. When he says stuff like that, I feel like an ass for not studying more seriously.

But I got off topic. My first mother in law, Shirley, was a difficult nut to crack. She had a horrible childhood. She was an orphan and adopted by an older woman and her husband who had no other children. And then her adopted mother proceeded to treat her like she wasn't wanted. Which made no sense. She was an only child, who had an only child of her own. Things were rough after she got sick, but as she got better, we got along better again also. I loved her, and even though Robert and I were divorced at the time, I was there by her side, the only one holding her hand when she passed away. Robert was there as well, along with Gretchen and Mike and Jake and Lauren. But I was the only one holding her hand.

Mike's mother was easy to get along with from the very beginning. Very sweet and kind, she always used to tell me that the Lord blessed her with two great daughter in laws. I wish I had been better able to live up to her expectations. I'm afraid I wasn't a very good wife to her son. I feel like I disappointed her deeply. She might never had expectations the way I thought that she might, but in my mind, I wasn't living up to her expectations nonetheless. I hope that we will always be close, but it hasn't felt like that lately. When I do call, I feel strange and silly. I am sure I'll get over that in time. I have no idea what Thanksgiving is going to be like this year. I sure did love cooking for Mike's extended family. You know, Mike's mother is the first person I ever sang for in front of a crowd. It was her 70th birthday. That was and is such a great memory. I even found the file the other day of all the pictures Mike and I scanned in for the presentation. It took us HOURS UPON DAYS to scan all those pictures. It was a labor of love, and one that was completely worth it when she took the blindfold off and saw all the people gathered for her birthday. She was queen for the day. I am glad I had a part of that (ok, I planned over half of it, maybe more...I'm so modest). I love those memories...

...Which is why it saddens me every time Brannon and I talk about our previous marriages. I find it so upsetting that his ex wife never took the time to have a conversation with his mother. They were married 15 years, and his ex and his mother never sat down and just gabbed. Brannon and I have been dating a little more than 2 months now. Her fiancee is very sick with cancer and Brannon gives me updates about his condition as they happen. I pray for him. Cancer is a horrible beast. For whatever reason, I wanted to meet her today. Because she lives in Alabama, meeting her would have to consist of a phone call. So I just called her. We talked for a half an hour. Apparently I made a good impression, because Brannon got a call from his sister saying that she wasn't sure what I did, but mom sure did like me. Awwwwww. Brannon's mother and sister offically know more about me in 15 minutes than they did his ex wife in 15 years. I never want to be closed off like that. Relationships are just so important. They take time. They need to be nurtured and cared for. I am scared to death sometimes. I never want to screw things up like I did before. I never want to be desperate. I want a relationship for love. Not for monetary support, not because I can't live my life alone, but because I want a friend. I want a lover, a companion, a best friend. I actually need time alone. I enjoy my time alone. Even though it mostly sucks that Brannon has to work every single Saturday, at the same time, that is my day to myself. I don't have school, alot of the time I don't have the kids, Jody usually rests on Saturday from a busy week of doctors appointments and people in and out of the house for his baths, nurse visits, and physical therapy. That is my time to work on projects around the house, or get out of the house, or just whatever. I enjoy my private time. I need it. I could live my life without a man around, but I don't want to. I hate waking up every morning alone. I hate it. I've been sleeping alone for over 5 years now, maybe longer. Maybe Mike thought I liked it that way, that I wanted that, but I hated it. I was talking to my mother today. Her husband has been out of town since Wednesday to KC for a company conference. She told me she can't sleep. She wakes up at 3 or 4 am and rolls over to snuggle up against him, and he's not there. And she doesn't like it. She misses him horribly. I feel that way. I do. I feel that way every day of my life. I had a marriage, but I didn't have that closeness. I LONG for that closeness. I crave it. I haven't had that in over 5 years, so it's not like it's only been 5 months. I have slept alone for far too long. I feel such a sense of urgency in my life too right now. Feels like time is just running amuck. I can't seem to harness it in. I want that time back. But it's gone. I want do overs, but there are no such things. I can only move forward from right now...I only have this moment. And what is so great about all of this, honestly? I am not desperate. I do not feel desperate. Re-reading that last paragraph, people reading it might take away from that a sense of desperation. It's a sense of urgency, but it's not desperation. Because right now I am taking this time in my life to fix my shit. I am getting myself healthy. I am eating better, getting quality sleep, and exercising. I am cleaning and repairing my house. I am preparing myself and my surroundings for the life that I want to have. I am in school so that I can graduate and be the RN that Brannon insists the world is waiting on. I've got my kids, who are always my strength and motivation. And above all I have Christ, who gave me His Son so that I might live. I know the Lord has a plan for me, and I trust Him. I disappoint Him daily, how blessed am I that He is so forgiving? He continues to reveal things to me in His time. The Lord knows the desires of my heart, and I know He has great things in store for me. Those are some of the things He is revealing to me. It is such an exciting thing.