I'm pretty angry right now. Sometimes it is the silliest things that set me off. Today it was hamburger. I hadn't had lunch, which is no one's fault but my own, and I was hungry NOW. I thought that haystacks would be good for dinner, and one of the kids and Jody's favs. So when I asked Jody about it, he had one idea, I had another, we weren't fighting or anything, but we couldn't agree. Finally he said he didn't care, and I didn't care either, and he goes, well, what about meat? I've never in the 15 years I've been making haystacks made it with hamburger, just chili beans and kidney beans. Yeah, that was the deal breaker for me. Hamburger. I told Jody to just go ahead and fix whatever he and his mom wanted, I was just going to get the kids something out. And I was on the way to where ever, and I just got more and more upset the more I thought about it. I am 33 years old. Twice divorced. Two kids, two dads, two dogs (I don't even like dogs) one house, and one huge mess. One dog shits on the carpet whenever he feels like it. One child of mine back talks all the time. The other one just cries half the time. I hate being in school. I really do. I'm tired. I am tired of being surrounded by 19 year olds. I would like to work with people my own age. I am tired of people asking me when I'm going to graduate. I'm tired of people commenting that it seems like I've been in school for 4 years already. Well, that's because I HAVE BEEN!! Taking two classes at a time. It sucks. I've based my life around my kids schedule. I don't take 8b am classes, I don't take 3 pm classes. It's starting to get stupid. These kids have never had to spend a single day in day care. It's exhausting to keep that up. There are so many things that I don't do. I'm rambling here and I am only making sense to myself. My point is, I am not where I thought I would be in life.
I am tired of waking up alone. I've been married for the past 7 years, and I've slept alone for the last 6 of those 7. Maybe it's been all of them. We started our married life with me pregnant and sicker than a dog. I spent most of my time on the couch. And that never changed after she was born. He snored. I couldn't sleep with the man. It was so frustrating. I am just completely lonely. I hate not being married. I hate going to bed alone at night. I hate waking up alone. I miss having meals with someone. Now I live with 2 dogs, 5 cats, two kids, a disabled man and his extremely messy 70+ mother. I'm completely overwhelmed all the time and very unhappy. I live in a constant state of frustration. The house is a mess all the time. ALL THE TIME. I can't stand it. And it smells like a zoo in here. I never have people over. It feels completely hopeless. I used to love this house. Now it just feels like the walls are closing in on me.
What do I want? I want a big house with a basement, with mother-in-law quarters so she can have her own kitchen and stay out of mine. I want a maid. I want someone to come in once a week and mop my floors. And do my laundry. I want a huge ass walk in closet. I want to go to sleep and wake up every single day for the rest of my life with a great man who loves me. I want CLEAN CARPET that smells like daffodils. I want a front porch with a wooden swing and a pitcher of sweetened ice tea with lemons. I want two unbratty kids. I want to spend lazy Saturday mornings in my clean kitchen making fresh coffee and all my favorite breakfast things. I want to wake up to a morning breath kiss from my husband. I want lots of things. These may not be the sweetest days just yet, but they can be the sweetest days in my head. I have to get through this somehow.