Anything wooden in the dishwasher. This includes wooden spoons and my knives (that are worthless, but wood handled none-the-less). Just don't do it. Please?

Calphalon or All Clad in the dishwasher. Again, a HUGE no no. It clearly states on the box that these items are HAND WASH only. Are we really this lazy? When you spend $200 on ONE PAN, don't you think a little extra care and attention are in order? I think so too. Let's follow directions please.

I have cat bowls. At one point in my life I actually made a special trip to Petsmart to buy kitty bowls. When you go to feed the kitties, PLEASE DON'T USE MY GOOD TUPPERWARE TO FEED THE CATS IN!! Because kitties like to chew the sides of these, and because I do like the lids to fit properly...do you see where I am headed here? USE THE CAT BOWLS.

Also, as far as the pets are concerned. One can of food per day. 1. Uno. That is why we are spending money at the speed of lightening. It's also why Smokey is so fat and shits constantly. Do you see a relationship here? Stop. Feeding. The. Animals. So. Damn. Much. At this point they eat better than I do. I keep an endless amount of dry food on hand. It's cheaper, and better for their teeth anyway. Just stop, I beg of you.

When your cat pukes in my hallway, don't get mad at me when I ask you to clean it up. Honestly. I realize you have nothing better to do than sit in your chair all day long while I cook and clean and care for kids and go to school...

For the love of God, TAKE YOUR TRASH OUT!! Need I say more? Phew!!

Put the lid down on the toilet. Do I need to remind you that we have a zoo of animals in this house? I love dogs. I do not love dogs who drink out of the toilet and then lick my face. I do not like cat paw prints on my newly cleaned toilet seat. Shut the lid. SHUT IT!!

I love that you cook for us. I do. I think you are a wonderful cook. Sloppy Joe's are great. Sloppy Joe meat, in the pan you cooked it in 2 days ago, still sitting on the stove...is not cool. Heloise would disapprove. So would Emily Post. Even the dogs won't eat it at this point. WHAT...THE...HELL?

My fridge is not a freak show arena. Stop doing science experiments there. I like eating. Don't ruin that for me by starting an E. coli outbreak. If you have three bites left of something, throw it away. Don't use 300 tupperware to store 2 tablespoons of leftover gravy. You won't eat it, and you know you won't. If you aren't going to eat it within 48 hours, please clean it out. This is not my job, but I do it because I can't stand it. You know if I have to choose between homework and cleaning the fridge, I'm going to clean the fridge every time. Gross. Just...GROSS!!!

That back bedroom is not a tomb. Stop living there like it is. Come out and socialize. Watch a game on TV. Hang out. Go to church functions the ladies invite you to. LIVE A LITTLE!!

Stop telling your cat (or dog) to stay out of my way. As if. "Now Smokey, you stay out of the way." Like he is listening. Just stop.

Clean the microwave when you blow up that hamburger. Seriously.

When you horde dishes in your bedroom, clean, dirty, or the like, it makes it hard for the rest of us to use them.

Now, if only I had the balls to tell her these things to her face, (minus the sarcasm of course), we might actually be able to live in harmony...mainly because if I told her all that she would never speak to me again...oh wait, that would be different how?